Fireball Whisky is giving lifetime supplies of Fireball away to 90 year olds
As a self-proclaimed expert of this product, it felt right for me to weigh in on this disgusting display of ageism and then offer a different promotional giveaway.
I am writing this from my apartment in the East Village of Manhattan in New York City. I am drinking a Halfday Iced Tea. Pretty solid. It has prebiotics like every single other new beverage I have seen in the last 6 months. 7.6/10.
In order to prepare myself to write this, I am blasting a playlist titled “Summer 2016”, which was probably when I was drinking the most Fireball per capita in my entire life. To prove it, check out this picture I took back in high school of Mikey Melarkey.
So yeah, I think I have a level of experience with this product, to say the least. So, you can imagine the emotional rollercoaster I was put through reading a headline saying “Fireball is giving away lifetime supplies of fireball to people over 90 years old.” From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Will this promotional exploitation of elderly people still exist in my old age? I can only wait. Check out the article below if you like reading (nerd):
Article
Starting today and continuing through March 31 (which the brand notes is the 90th day of the year), anyone born in 1935 or earlier who is ready to "prove the fun is far from over" can enter for a chance to win a lifetime supply of Fireball. And this offer is truly for nonagenarians only. "No passing it down in the will, no sneaky ‘whisky inheritance’ loopholes, and definitely no ghostly reappearances to claim a refill."
LAME. LOSERS. IDIOTS.
This is a disgusting display of ageism. Are you kidding me? If anyone deserves free fireball, it’s the broke, underage college students that are working their butts off to catch a buzz in their dorm room at “Willis Hall”.
Question: why are we giving the immunocompromised elderly people literal poison?
Anyone have an answer? No. I didn’t think so. I mean, Fireball should rename this promotional giveaway to a more proper title:
“We’re giving old people death sentences”
I would have way more respect for that. I mean, do you guys know what’s in Fireball? It literally is NOT whiskey. Remember when people found out about that?
At some point we need to hold liquor companies responsible for the destruction they cause. And I’m not talking about “depression” or “substance abuse”. I’m talking about MURDER. First they “murdered” my trust of their brand after I was a loyal drinker of Fireball for YEARS after I found out there is not whiskey in the shooter bottles. And now they are “murdering” old people.
So it goes back to my first suggestion. Give the free Fireball to underage college students! With the stipulation being that they don’t get free Fireball after they turn 21 For a multitude of reasons:
They are poor, so you’re doing some community service essentially. You can probably write that off for your taxes
They are your best brand ambassadors (see picture of Mikey above looking dope as hell)
You can get them addicted to your product early on. Boom. Customer for life. The promotion pays for itself
You don’t have the blood of millions of elderly people on your hands
No paper trail so you technically aren’t selling alcohol to underage kids. They aren’t “buying” anything. They’re just “redeeming” alcohol. Last I checked there’s nothing illegal about “redeeming”. In fact, it’s a heroic move. For example, Rocky Balboa redeemed Apollo Creed and the United States of America against the Soviet Union when he knocked out Ivan Drago, thus ending the Cold War
It feels like a no brainer. But as a result of this tomfoolery, I am officially #done with Fireball as my go-to “shot of choice”. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on Fireball. I will now be converting to being a “tequila shot” guy. You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a tequila shot guy.
- Jack