A Comprehensive Guide To Football Small Talk In The Office
Whether you are a huge fan, a casual watcher, or a beginner, this guide will allow you to be able to finally find common ground with "Kevin" from Sales.
I am writing this from Plantshed on 12th and 2nd Ave. It is a coffee shop that is also a plant shop. Can you say identity crisis… I am drinking a cold brew (6.7/10).
We are through 3 weeks of football season, and we are reaching a pivot point in the corporate small talk calendar. It is officially too late in the summer to ask someone if they have summer plans, and the weather has not turned yet to talk about that, and apparently it’s “inappropriate” to debate politics in the office. So, what now? The only true answer here is to talk football. With the advent of Taylor Swift’s entrance onto the NFL scene, we have reached a point where talking football is as commonplace as those classic weather, plans, and religion small talks in the office.
Rule #1: Every Team Has A Former Or Current Criminal, So Don’t Bother Trying To Claim Moral High Ground
The interesting thing about football is that it entails about 1,000 instances of brutal assault in a given game. The level of brutality brings about certain characters that may or may not have a difficult time harnessing their physical prowess. On top of that, these athletes willingly sign themselves up for years of physical torment, so I wouldn’t say they are the most mentally sound crew either.
That is not my way of excusing the rampant level of criminals in the sport, but it is to say that you should not even bother trying to get offended that someone was a fan of Ray Lewis (killed a guy) or is a fan of Joe Mixon (punched a girl in the face at a bar). There is literally a DATABASE of criminals in the NFL. When the Ravens and Bengals play, it is essentially a game between San Quentin and Attica Correctional.
With all this said, it’s important to try to avoid this discussion during office small talk about football. It can make huge fans of the sport a little uncomfortable and addresses an elephant in the room that people are not thinking about when they sign up to be football fans.
Rule #2: Be A Fan Of A Team That Sucks
This nuance is very useful when engaging in conversations with particularly insecure and alpha football fans. If the alpha does not see your fanship as a threat to his/her team’s potential success, he/she will be more likely to engage in friendly banter. Being a fan of a terrible football team is also one of the more wholesome things you can do.
As a master of self-deprecation, there is nothing that hits quite like making fun of the Bears. And then someone reminds me the Bears suck like I haven’t known that for the entirety of my life. Oh wow I had no idea the Bears have never had a good quarterback. Those people are the worst. I feel like you meet those guys at a networking conference in the lobby of the JW Marriott. Idk why. I also have nothing against the JW Marriott. It’s really nice.
Rule #3: The Other Person’s Fantasy Team Is Always Looking Really Good
I cannot stress this enough. If someone invites you to check out their fantasy team, you are socially obligated to tell them their team looks awesome. You also have to compliment them on whoever their “Flex” is. “oh yeah they are gonna have a big year. New quarterback.” Another thing: it’s a safe bet in most situations that someone’s flex has a new quarterback. Idk why, but it just always is the case.
Oh, and also, never show anyone your fantasy team. I added this rule so that you can navigate someone else showing you their team, but ideally nobody is showing anyone their fantasy football team. Nobody cares. I get it if you are using the fantasy team chat as a last ditch effort to maintain some normalcy and flow in your conversation, but it should only be used in emergencies.
Rule #4: The College Football Playoffs Are Different This Year And So Are The Conferences
Not really a rule just a note. There is no point or reason in trying to figure out the conference realignments or the actual rules of making the playoffs and logistics. So best practices here is to just say you’re confused about all of it. People will certainly be able to resonate with that, and then you open up someone else for the opportunity to explain it to the group. Because we all know that Steve from Ops has been itching to have the chance to explain the new playoff system ever since he read the ESPN Insider article explaining everything last night before bed.
Rule #5: If You Are With A Group Of 4 Or More People, Someone Is A Notre Dame Fan
Some people will say that they are a fan of the Irish because they are catholic. It is wild, but it’s important to just know that you are going to meet someone that is randomly the biggest Irish fan ever. They haven’t been west of Ohio, but you would think they graduated from Mendoza with a degree in economics the way they talk about the school. “Yeah bro, we had the Mendoza Curve, so that tanked my GPA".
I don’t mind Notre Dame either, I actually think it is good for the sport when they are in the mix. Plus they gave us one of the greatest college football characters of all time. Tom Zbikowski. (You thought I was gonna say Rudy? LOL)
Rule #6: General Football Gambling Phrases To Use At Almost Any Given Moment
If you just interject with any of these phrases, everyone will agree with you and you will earn favor with even the most intense fans.
“Play action is coming soon”
“Gotta take a shot downfield here”
“I had no idea he was still in college”
“When did he get traded?”
“Jameis Winston threw 30 interceptions in one NFL season”
“NFL stands for No Fun League”
“They are getting zero push from the O-Line”
“Who gets ball at half?”
If you have any other rules or best practices as we approach the heart of the football season, sound off in the comments.
- Jack