A Brief American History Breaking Down the Number 1 Dude of Each Era

I will be taking each time period and naming the #1 Dude of the Era. This will start in the present day and we will work our way back to the Birth of our Nation.

I am writing this from Poetica Coffee, which is at the corner of St. Mark’s Place and 2nd Ave. I am drinking a Cold Brew (7.1/10). There is a sign on the table that says “2 HRS LAPTOP LIMIT”.

I have put myself in an almost impossible position. But with great power comes great responsibility. I owe it to myself and my 32 subscribers to take literary risks. Please note, I am not fully aware of whether or not the people I list are cancelled, criminals, creepy, etc. I am basing this on my present knowledge of their “Dude Score”. You may ask, what is a “Dude Score”? And to that, I would say it is my proprietary model evaluation of someone’s Dudeness. But if you asked me on a deeper level, it’s all feel and personal bias. Alright let’s go.

2023 - Present: Glen Powell | Dude Score: 71/100

Glen Powell is the dude of the present day. He is having a clear moment, but I think Glen is pretty replaceable in the grand scheme of dudes. There are also some factions out there that associate his Dudeness to the association factor of working with Sydney Sweeney. This writer does not tolerate that level of subjectivity. This writer observes and reports. With that, look for Glen Powell to be a forgotten toy at this time next year, when Timothee Chalamet takes over as Dude of the Day.

2018-2023: Miles Teller | Dude Score: 84/100

People forget that Miles Teller played Miles Teller in Project X.

Miles Teller barely squeaks past notable dude, Tom Brady, to claim the title for the 2018-2023 period. This was peak Mi-Tel. Whiplash was becoming popular post-release, Top Gun came out, and you would see a random Instagram Story of Mi-Tel playing beer pong with his boys in a cabin. It’s no secret I’m a huge Mi-Tel fan, so this certainly played a role. There was just zero chance I was leaving Mi-Tel out of this ranking.

2012-2018: Matthew McConaughey | Dude Score: 93/100

When you think of “dudes”, a lot of people associate McConaughey in the pantheon of dude lore. He is a perfect mix of badass, cool, chill, and vulnerable. He wrote a book about his feelings and did NOT get roasted. There are only a select few dudes capable of pulling that off. So much range from McConaughey during this period. He was starring in Interstellar, True Detective, riding the high from his rom-com days, and looking like an absolute baller wearing orange suit jackets on the sidelines of Texas games. He also gave us one of the most electric speeches of all time. I’m not even being sarcastic. I watch this a lot. (Editor’s Note: thank the Lord that this speech happened during the time frame I made Matty the Dude of the Time.)

2000-2012: Justin Timberlake | Dude Score: 74/100

Due to lack of memory, I am under the assumption we were in a slight “Dude Drought” at the turn of the century. Coming off the heels of the internet boom and then the ‘08 Recession, it was not the most Con-Dude-sive environment for being dope. Regardless, let’s focus on JT. In this period, he was becoming a movie star, still putting out bangers, and just overall being a Dude. He would go on talk shows and just dominate. Extremely charismatic Dude, and for that, he wins the day over the likes of Kobe Bryant, Roger Federer, Jay-Z, and Santana.

1985-2000: Michael Jordan | Dude Score: 87/100

Our first (and only) athlete cracks the list! Nobody more deserving than MJ. In this time period, he became a cultural icon that transcended the sport he played more so than any other athlete of all-time. He literally made wearing basketball shoes cool. And we can thank him for the fact that “Uncle Jeremy” is trying to be “cool” and “hip” amidst a mid-life crisis, and wears Jordans to a family wedding.

1975-1985: Michael Jackson | Dude Score: 78/100

Certainly not your “prototypical” dude in the sense that he wasn’t necessarily bro’ing down with his boys buddies like you would see with the rest of the fellas on this list. But my goodness, this dude could sing like none other. He moonwalked. That’s one of the top 4 things you could do in any social setting. The beauty of the moonwalk is you do not need a lot of room, and you can kinda bust it out whenever you want. It’s not like being able to play the guitar, because you need there to be an actual guitar around and then by the time you “tune” and what not, the allure of it all has faded. With the moonwalk you’re sitting around talking to your frie- BOOM MOON WALK. Crowd goes nuts, a chant breaks out, you can hear it from the sidewalk below. Faint sounds of “Jack! Jack! Jack!”, you wake up, it was all a dream. You spend the rest of your life chasing that high and teaching yourself to moonwalk.

1950-1975: Elvis Presley | Dude Score: 95/100

Elvis is probably the dude of the 20th century. He spent his life being a rockstar, eating peanut butter banana sandwiches, and playing shows in Vegas. A total pioneer and probably the first to establish the “Rockstar Lifestyle” we hear about today. The only difference between Elvis and rockstars today is that rockstars today are the beneficiaries of medical advancements. In Elvis’ day, the only medicine was like penicillin and the measles shot. They literally “rubbed dirt” on their wounds. If Elvis had access to these weight loss drugs and “Kombucha” he would have been just fine and nobody would have second guessed he might be a raging alcoholic and was addicted to drugs. Side note, I saw the Elvis movie by myself in theaters and I didn’t really like it. Why did they have to have fat Tom Hanks do an accent?

1900-1950: General Dwight D. Eisenhower | Dude Score: 74/100

I definitely am not basing this on politics or anything, but if you can’t recognize the Dudeability it takes to be President and a war general, you just aren’t in the right place. Total dude. Pretty much swirlied Hitler and also looks like he would be the meanest teacher in your high school. Can you imagine being Dwight Eisenhower’s student in Social Studies. He definitely would assign reading every night like you didn’t also have other classes. To Dwight, the only thing that mattered was that the Fertile Crescent was a part of the Mesopotamian Civilization.

1800-1900: Abraham Lincoln | Dude Score: 92/100

Abraham Lincoln was 6’4”, making him the 2nd tallest Dude on this list. I feel like Abraham Lincoln is an all-time “what if” type of dude. Similar to Derrick Rose and his ACL injury in the first round of the playoffs, what if Abe Lincoln hadn’t been shot by John Wilkes Booth? Also we are firmly in the spot of history where I actually could not name another human being on the planet outside of the presidents of the United States. So go ahead and deal with that. Go cry about how Jack doesn’t know history that good. Rule #1 of being a Dude, don’t try too hard. And with that, let’s get to the last and greatest Dude in the history of the United States of America.

1776-1800: George Washington | Dude Score: 98/100

I don’t think I could possibly get my models to return a higher dude score. Also, Taxation without Representation is one of the greatest lines in history. Can you imagine how many likes GW would get if he posted a picture of him crossing the Delaware and that was the caption? GW sits at the top spot of dudes among the likes of Justin Timberlake, Miles Teller, and Michael Jordan. All dudes aspire to be as chill as GW.

- Jack